When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
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chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.