Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
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I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this