I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
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An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.