My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
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Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
This made me chuckle.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
classic mixup
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.