Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
You Might Also Like
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again