one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
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Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”