when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
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I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.