*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
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Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
i wish we could shoplift online
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Always a housemaid, never a house.