I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
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I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I was up all night reading about insomnia
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’