dr pepper just lost her medical license. π now she’s just ms pepper. π bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! π no. βπ dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. π unlearn your internal biases!π©ββοΈ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash βΉοΈββοΈπΆ
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you havenβt showered?
Umm..I donβt want to be βthat inmate,β but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
If you know, you know
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. Itβs nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. Itβs so-
Whale: donβt you say it
Me: MOIST. I said itβs MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
