My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
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no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs