Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
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*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.