HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
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Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree