[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
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life finds a way
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.