[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
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To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”