People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
You Might Also Like
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep