My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
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I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.