me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
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The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
The French word for sex is croissant.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!