I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
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It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Running your mouth is not cardio.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”