My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
You Might Also Like
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her