If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Google assistant rules
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!