*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
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If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call