If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
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She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”