[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
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Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂