When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
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What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.