Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
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My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this