*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
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[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]