Get in loser we’re going crying
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[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
your elf on the shelf was delicious
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.