Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
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COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Erm I’m gonna say no
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.