archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
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My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
The best shot in the history of golf
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”