Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
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Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.