[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
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If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Ghost costume 😂
Well, that should do it
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.