10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
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Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Perfect.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.