NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
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Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
This hospital has everything
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.