[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
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If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
one of
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that