This probably isn’t good
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judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
You’re the water to my grease fire.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
yeah not falling for this one
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
The two types of wives
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac