A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
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I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND