Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
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Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
the #horror is real!
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me