If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
You Might Also Like
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Oops
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
When ur friends with white people
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?