If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
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Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
United Steaks of America
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.