Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
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Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.