My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
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[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it