Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
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i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen