The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
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I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.