*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
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Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
😜
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body