‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
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I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I only treason on days ending in y
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
gentlemen, hear me out
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.