My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
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her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
groan^2
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT