EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
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Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
How animals would run if they were human
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*