“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
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My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.