We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
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My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Hmm, not sure about this change
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.